Conflict….it’s just a difference of opinion. Really.

I grew up with a family who love a great debate. There was always some kind of debate going on in our house that we were encouraged to stick our oar into. My Dad would drop little one liners about things to see what our reaction was. He almost always got a rise out of me!

I have never been one to shy away from conflict. In fact growing up in my family it was expected. I have very direct extroverted parents who were always making it clear, usually loudly, how they felt about a certain …..anything. I am sure the phrase argument for arguments sake was invented by my parents, although their own personal arguments were few, they never hid them from us believing that we would learn to deal with that as we would any other experience.

In our house, conflict was one of those things we just did really well. We still do.

One of my earliest memories is of my mother making a very pointed comment to a friend of my father’s. Dad came in late one night after work, a little drunk and with this friend in tow. The poor guy in question happened to have a pencil thin moustache. My mother was not a fan. So, she told him in a very pointed way that “she hates men with moustaches”. True story.

She felt it was important for him to know as the cause of my father’s overt “friendliness” just how she felt. After she made her point, he offered to leave, but in my true family style, he was welcomed, warmly, with laughter, food and made feel like a member of the family. One of the best lessons I ever learned from my mother was to say your piece and move on! She always moved on quite quickly, something we couldn’t understand as kids, because we never got to hold a grudge!

I was probably about seven at the time and remember it vividly. Not least because my mortified father liked to drag that story out every opportunity he got! In the later years of course it was a great joke, but I am more than sure he felt the sting of it then. Of course my mother still doesn’t think she did anything wrong, he deserved it!

Maybe she didn’t, and maybe he did. Maybe he was just one of those poor souls who is too sensitive (as my family like to think!). I am sure it is about sensitivity and as I get older, I also know that we need to apply some filters. As I tell my nieces and nephews, just because it is in your head doesn’t mean it has to come out of your mouth. Mum was a bit of a slow learner at times.

As they say, it is all in the delivery.

I am brutally aware that my way of dealing with conflict is unique, which has tended to make communication difficult at times. I am also aware that when I am not on my game, it is the one thing that deserts me. When I am not confident, or I am tired from too much struggle, I have chosen not to challenge when I should have. I know then I am not being my authentic self.

I think that poor old conflict gets a bit of a rough deal. Conflict doesn’t always have to be bad and I am quite serious when I say that I truly believe it is just a difference of opinion.

The conflict part comes from emotion, judgement, defensiveness and self-righteousness.

Thankfully life is all about growing and learning. I used to think there was something wrong with someone else if they didn’t like what I said, I truly didn’t think it reflected on me at all. Sounds pretty horrid – and I would agree. I was not always the evolved soul who writes now (she says smirking into her wine…).

So why am I revealing all this horrid stuff about myself, and why would you care (other than to use me as an example in your psychotherapy classes!)? Because the way we deal with conflict is one of those lessons we inherit from our family. It shapes who we are, what we believe, the way we form relationships and even the way we do business. I wrote recently about the importance of relationships in business. The way we deal with conflict affects honesty and trust in all of our relationships.

One of the best lessons we can teach our children is that conflict doesn’t have to be difficult. It also doesn’t have to be avoided. If we can make it clear that listening to a difference of opinion creates an open mind and greater respect for people and their differences, we can encourage them to debunk the myth too.

What happens to you when you disagree with your boss – what do you do? More poignantly, what do you say? Are you encouraged to say anything? Saying nothing implies that you agree, or even worse, support their ideas. Some of the most important coaching and mentoring I have done is on how to handle this kind of conflict – or this difference of opinion. It is called managing up. It is important certainly to not respond in anger, but to collect your thoughts calmly and then have a conversation.

We all know people who have different beliefs to us on important issues. My particular favourites are things like racism, sexism and homophobia. It is always far easier to agree with them isn’t it? I mean who wants to be the one who publicly disapproves rather than going along with the joke, or the thought or the intent. Some would argue that we could stop racism, sexism and homophobia right there, if we only all just learned to say: “Oh, really, how interesting, I don’t necessarily see it like that”. Then just engage in conversation without being self righteous, without emotion, without judgement and without being defensive. (Thanks go to the wonderful Susan De Campo who taught me this insight and saved my sanity just recently!)

I do believe if we start to de-mystify this whole topic and treat conflict like a difference of opinion, problems would be resolved, issues would cease to be and we would all feel stronger and more confident rather than walking away disheartened wishing we had the courage to say what we thought.

I have had many friends and family on Facebook vehemently disagree with the comments I have put up there, or pictures I have taken – and I welcome it, openly! I want to know what people think, I want to incite discussion and debate. In a world where it sometimes feels like we are free to write what we like, that isn’t always the case. I recently read two very different blogs on the value of SEO and it appeared that there were more comments on the blog in support of the argument than not. One particular blog was almost nasty in content and was a little vitriolic. I would have thought that would create some fairly sharp responses. There were a few on there, but not many. Very few people actually wrote that they disagreed with the content. Are we continuing this move away from conflict in these forums too? All this user generated content surely will incite some great debate and discussion, but I am not really seeing it, I wonder why?

I so often hear “I like to keep the peace” and my all time favourite, “I don’t want to rock the boat”. Well, as the un-husband says: Real boats rock.

The key to learning how to deal with conflict is practice. Practice using the phrase, “I don’t necessarily see it like that”. Practice it without emotion, without judgement, without being defensive and without being self-righteous. It is quite amazing what happens when you re-frame it.

After all, it is only a matter of opinion.

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8 thoughts on “Conflict….it’s just a difference of opinion. Really.

  1. You learn and you teach. I’ve learned so much from your perspective and I really LIKE me for it!
    I’d sail on your boat over the other dead wood anyday.
    Love your work.

  2. Hmm CONflict.. CONfidence I think sometimes people with no self cinfidence tend to try and avoid conflict for fear of being ” attacked” and most take any comment personally rocking the shaky boat that is them selves. Some with no self conifdence use coflict as a form of attack before they feel they themselves are attacked.
    The internet use to be a far more annonymous way to express you opionon to have a rant form behind the safety of your screen without fear of that dent in a self esteem..after all you were hiding behind a keyboard as were others and you chose when you let on line stuff” be real” and not be. Now days though as people have embrassed the internet with gusto and we share every element of oursleves in everyway and leave oursleves open for comment and in some cases criticism for yes what I to beleive is a just difference of opinion.
    I am one of those people who never liked to rock the boat in fact didnt even like the tide comng in or out.
    My travels both physically and electronically through the use of things such as facebook on line forums and chat rooms have exposed me to MANY MANY different people and different opnions form around the world. I have learnt..sometimes the hard way but mostly in a positive way that I can share a difference of opion, debate passionatley and stand up for my beliefs without the loss of friendships, contacts or relationships. Some days its still hard but above anything you learn that the person in the other boat is just as entitled to rock as you are as its a mighty big sea out there and plenty of room for all. ( sorry for the over use of your boat reference) I believe you take example from people on how to handle things as well. I have relatives (yourself included) and friends who I admire greatly for their ability to express very clearly their opnions in a manner that doesnt attack another but accept opinions with resepct. I try to take a little bit of each example on board and use it as a tool myself both in my work and personal life sometimes with or wihtout success but I am trying.
    Great read Shazz.

    1. What a gorgeous and considered response! Thanks Bron. I agree, it is all about confidence (or should I disagree here?) 🙂 It is about having the strength to expose yourself and to share. Last night I was with a friend who reminded me that just because other people don’t share doesn’t mean they haven’t had the same experience, they may not have the confidence, nor the desire to bare all. We continue to grow on the journey, fun hey?? xx

  3. Oh my sister you are brilliant! I have found that I can deal with conflict in a work environment very well – I guess I was trained to do that in my job – it’s always been about conflict – yet I shy away from it at home. Maybe its because when I like to point out a different opinion to what my wife has; she just yells louder about why I should agree with her! Perhaps I have now been “shock and awed” on the home front and no amount of dealing with the angry person on the street (with or without weapons) prepares you for conflict with your spouse who is never wrong!

    1. Wow, I know I must have hit a spot when my brother responds! Yes, in your job you were trained all about conflict, of every kind, physical, mental and psychological. That is probably part of the reason why you are so good at it. You have that calm nature and strength to deal with it without flaring to anger first (like the rest of us are prone to do!) I think it is harder to do the closer we are to people….unless one of “us” dominates the opinions! I say us because I have the same tendency, although I am trying my damnedest to outgrow that! I guess it is like most things, you get battle weary trying so hard. Unfortunately the answer lies in us and how we react and relate to that kind of behaviour (as much as that sucks to hear!). I am guilty of rescuing and then blaming The Bloke By The Sea for not doing his share!! Um….gee if I took my foot off the pedal of control, he might get a chance! That’s a whole other blog post though.

      I respect you and your comments thanks. That’s brave. I didn’t know I could write btw, it just comes out, try it!! I love you.
      S

  4. You are such a darling … along with your heavenly sent companion darling. Your capacity to embrace and then integrate new information never ceases to amaze me. Tis a lovely thing to behold – and I thank you for the privilege x

    1. The lovely companion darling and I thank you over and over and over again. Often (especially lately). We can’t speak highly enough of you and what you have done for us. Your comments are a treat and an honour, thank you!

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